How Holding the Pose Evokes

the Best from Your Relationship


I sat down with a man in my EMLT (Embodied Mens Leadership Training) yesterday and we talked about why this was such a crucial moment in his life.

He asked me very clearly for feedback on what I'd need to see in order to feel that he was truly addressing the things that I brought to his attention.

I told him, "I want to see you practice long enough so that you surpass the tipping point of the moment and really change the karmic relationship you have to the specific problem."

It's not enough to just practice just right up to that point. We have to hold the pose long enough to actually tip the scales past our habitual responses to the world, to women and other men, and to the situations where we close up.

Most of us will practice just hard and long enough so that we can say, "See??? I'm doing everything and the world (or my woman) is still fucking me over."

It takes emotional maturity and other men who are in our lives to point this out to us. This is the worst kind of victim-hood cycle — the one where we say "I am doing EVERYYYYYTHIIIING I'm supposed to be doing and she's still not responding," or "I'm doing everything that I need to and I'm still not getting the praise or the recognition that I want from the world."

The answer is to hold the fucking pose.

We hold the pose until we evoke that which is most sacred from the moment. We don't know how long that is. Maybe it's five minutes, maybe it's a half hour, maybe it's a week.

But we have to train ourselves to hold the pose until we evoke that which is most beautiful, most artful, most loving, most sacred from whatever moment we are in.

This is the essence of relational practice. It is the immutable rule the will take us out of victim-hood and into real leadership in our relationships.

This is how we change the world, one moment at a time. By being more loving than we want to be. By finding love in our hearts and patience in our nervous systems we didn't know was there.

This is how we heal each other. By practicing the art of evoking the best from any moment over and over and over again. Until we get so capable, people start asking us how we get such beautiful responses from life.

Then we can say, "I evoke it."