The Place to Start is Where You're most uncomfortable

Do you know where to start in more powerfully leading in your life and your relationships? The answer may surprise you. 

I was talking with a man yesterday who was in one of my workshops in London, and he asked me this very question. These are variations of questions I often get from men:

  • I know I need to show up more fully (in my relationship, work and life), but I am I don't seem to know how to do it.

  • I know I need to be leading more powerfully (same as above), but I'm not exactly sure how to do it

  • I know that I can have a deeper connection to a purpose greater than myself but I'm not sure how to find it

My first response was to ask, "Where is the place that is most uncomfortable to look at? What's the place where you often get triggered or collapse?"

The answer for this man was singing in public.

Here are some other areas where men often close or completely collapse: 

  • When they get criticized by their partner

  • Powerfully asking for what they want, or voicing a truth that's difficult to speak

  • Expressing themselves sexually; especially their darker energies 

  • Boldly claiming what they want in relationship and in the world

The very thing that keeps that man from singing in public (or doing any of the above) is the most important point of practice for him to address. The part of you that stops yourself from showing up is the part of you that the world is wanting more of. 

This is true in your sex life, relationship, in the way you speak your own truth, and any area where you feel you can't express in a relaxed, open, confident and powerful way is the very area where you need to practice.

Most guys will blackout around these areas and say "that's just not me," or ignore it completely. 

So, how do you do this? Start by putting yourself into groups of men (and women) who demand you show the parts of you that you've always wanted to hide. 

I've had my teachers put me in front of a room and perform some offering on a place where I was numb or unexpressed. It was fucking terrifying. And yet, some of the most transformative personal development work I've ever done.

The idea is that we take the places where we shut down and make art out of them so that others can be liberated by our courage and willingness to open our hearts. 

The impact of this practice has been profound in all areas of my life. It shows up in my work, makes me show up more fully as a leader in my relationship, and it makes me, hopefully, more trustable as a man. 

I challenge you to make a list of 3 areas where you get massively triggered or simply will not go there. Then, ask your best friend or someone you trust to give you a practice that will squarely transmute your habitual fear or closure around this part of you, and turn it into a gift. 

For example, I once gave one client who was having a hard time owning his capacity as King in his family and work, dress up a like a King and go grocery shopping.   His son shot the video and it was a remarkable moment for them.

Another way to confront your habits of disconnection is to be in the presence of other men and women challenging the same parts of themselves.  This happens in practice communities, workshops and groups dedicated to practicing openness and embodiment.

If you feel inspired to challenge yourself in the exact place where the world is wanting more of you, then join us for these upcoming opportunities to practice. 

The Art of Fearless Intimacy London, September 16-17, 2017

The Embodied Men's Leadership Intensive in New York, October 13-15, 2017